having my say

So I’m having a mid-life crisis I suppose. Is 30 mid-life? Probably in my case no. So I’m having an old-age crisis and I’m fucking furious about it.

Right so as I mentioned I have this friend who has a blog where he talks about his life and it’s only natural I suppose that he sometimes talks about me, and most of what he says I’ve got no problem with but sometimes I think I’m represented badly and if there’s one thing I CANNOT STAND its being misrepresented deep breath……

So I just want to take this opportunity to make a few things clear.

* I did sleep with someone when I was already in a relationship with someone else, yes. I did that. Guilty as charged. But I told my girlfriend about it the very next day. I know that doesn’t excuse it but at least I was decent enough to realise that what I’d done was wrong and that my girlfriend had the right to know the truth. It didn’t even occur to me to lie about it even though I knew I might lose everything.

* I had never been unfaithful before. It’s just not the kind of thing I do. I’m not a fucking monster or anything. Jesus. Why do you make me out to be a monster you fucker.

It fucks me off that I’ve been portrayed as a total shit when in fact Stan can be an utter bastard too. I shall be using this blog to keep that fucker in his place by telling tales when he’s a bastard. Ha! For example, when I told him about having MS he said “I would have expected you to get ME” implying that I am very selfish and although yes I am very selfish, I still think it was a bit of a shitty thing to say.

Bored now. Going to stop and wait for the results and if I never write anything on here again it means

* I haven’t got MS after all and I’m getting on with my life

* I’m too fucking depressed

* I’ve killed myself

he doesn't look a thing like Jesus.

Last night I got drunk and I dug a pair of scissors in the back of my hand. That was stupid. It’s still trembling all the time but now I have a bloody hole in it as well. I think I need to smoke myself into a stupor again. here goes....

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

that's better.

me and my ms

So I had some tests on Thursday and now I’m just waiting for the results. I had a big needle shoved in my spine. It was really fucking unpleasant. As I lay in my hospital bed coming down from the anaesthetic I had an erection poking straight up propping up the bedsheet. It could have been funny bit it wasn’t. The nurse looked at me like I was a child molester and I felt like jumping out the hospital window. All I can think of is being pushed about in a wheelchair and hating everything, swearing at everyone and just being full of violence and hatred and bitterness. I know my attitude is all wrong and I know I need counselling and I know I need to start being positive or I’ll get even worse but at the moment all I can do is punch walls and hit my spastic trembling hand with a paperweight every time it kicks off.

I get the results in a couple of weeks. I feel like I’m on death row. How can you get fucking MS before you’re even 30? I thought it was an old person’s disease. So fucked off.

dedication

I’m dedicating this blog to my friend Stan, whose idea it was to keep track of how I feel about getting sick and how my life changes. Stan started up a blog a couple of months ago about him being a fat ugly bastard without a girlfriend. Now – ironically enough - he’s fucking my ex-girlfriend. He doesn’t know I know yet as we haven’t seen each other for a while – not since he started fucking my girlfriend in fact. Weird that. Anyway cheers mate. Nice one. You da man.

He probably hasn’t been in touch this week because he’s a bit embarrassed about everything, maybe a bit scared about my reaction, maybe a bit scared that I’ll say “you know she’s only fucking you to get back at me” or something like that. Anyway Stan, you know she’s only fucking you to get back at me right? I mean you do know that right? I could be wrong and honestly I hope I am but you know I’m not. In your heart of heats you must know that.

But anyway, because I’m such a nice guy and everything I just want you both to know that I really don’t mind. It hurts me of course but you do what you have to do.

Actually I might as well dedicate this blog to you too Peaches, to the both of you. let’s see which lasts the longest…

fuck this life and fuck this blog

I’ve started this blog because, if I may speak frankly, I’m fucked off about this stupid fucking life of mine. Today I am mostly fucked off about the following things:

* It’s 95% certain that I’ve got MS

* My ex-girlfriend is fucking my best friend

* I’ve just turned 30 and I fucking hate my life

Besides that though, everybody keeps a blog these days so why the fuck shouldn’t I? How difficult can it be? Bored now. But I’m gonna keep on going because I’ve got fuck all else to do at the moment. It seems to be the done thing stating a blog when you turn 30 and decide that you need to turn your life around. I definitely need to turn my life around but I have a slight problem in that I hate writing, so this probably won’t last very long. Christ my attitude stinks.